I am thereby sentencing myself one blog on a daily basis for the next 30 days. If I can't pull that off than I will be very disappointed in myself.*
*This comes from a very specific problem I have with discipline. I seem to have a problem with personal discipline...especially when it comes to repetitive tasks. Not only do I sigh sometimes when I need to take a shower or clean the dishes. But I really don't like finding food to eat anymore, like just the task of having to go buy food or make food is just such an annoying task.
So I've come to the conclusion I need some discipline practice.
The other day I watched a documentary one of my friend's created at his time at The Citadel. A military-esque school with a bizarrely strict drill team. They were drilled on a daily basis; uncomfortable and most of the time physically painful tasks were performed in unison, while their superior officers degrade them by yelling at them and drawing embarrassing images in permanent marker on their arms and faces.
The only thing I can think this trains you for is a socially-unsupported world where you are forced to do uncomfortable and possibly painful repetitive tasks on a daily basis.**
**I don't know but reading through that seems like the boiler-plate description of what it would be like if you went to hell.
But either way I think if you can survive hell you can survive anything.
Why am I doing this you ask? Well I feel like I either always forget to write or I put it off because I have better things to do. While both of those things are normal excuses...they are bullshit automatic responses that some robot inside me tells myself.
So for 30 days I want to prove I can beat the robot.
30 days ago today I was pulled over 2 times in the same night for a broken tail light. The second time I was pulled over the officer gave me what he called a "warning" ticket, then he said "just prove that you fixed the light and you won't have to pay this." The ticket was for $80.50.
It is now the 30th day and I have to pay up.
- - -
I've been very busy but last week I took my car to Pep Boys since they worked on my car a few weeks ago and put a dye in my oil so they could help me a find an oil leak. I brought the car in told them 1.) I was following up on the oil leak and 2.) I had a tail light that was out. I then explained I checked the bulb and the fuse and thats not the problem. They said "Sound good. We'll take a look. Would like to take advantage of our -Buy 3 tires get 1 free deal-"...
I thought: Actually my tires need to be changed, i'm starting to see some tread on the front 2 tires, if I get the 4th one free I really am only paying for 1 more tire. "Why not, sounds good."
This was at 10:00 AM.
Around 9:00 PM I call them asking them "Where the hell is my car?" They told me that I need to take the car to a certified diesel mechanic to fix the oil leak, and the tail light doesn't look like its the bulb or the fuse so I'll have to take it to a certified electrical service mechanic...BUT We put all 4 new tires on. YIPPEE!!
So I took the car home and parked it. The next day I took the day off to find out for myself why the light wasn't working. I mean how hard could it be.
Wow. Pretty insanely difficult.
I followed the cable from the trunk to the backseat to the front seat up through the dash then under the hood...ripping the car apart in the process. After 2-3 hours I gave up on finding a problem with the cable and decided, well if my left tail light works, then I could probably just run a wire from that light to the other one and it should work. Well it was time for me to head out and I knew it would take me at least another hour to accomplish so it went on the list with the wind shield wipes I removed and have yet to put back in in over 3 months.
- - -
So now on the 30th day I drove from shop to shop explaining my problem until finally I found a Mobile Service Center who said they would fix it. Yes. I felt accomplished, whatever it costs its probably cheaper than the $80 ticket.
They look at it. Ask me lots of questions about how the veggie cars work and how much I pay for the oil and yadda yadda. Then I hear one of them say it could probably take all day to find a wiring diagram for a 1982 Benz and who knows where the wiring issue is. I walk to the back of my car and I realize one of them has grabbed some of the wire I had ready to link the lights together and is hiding it along the back of the trunk to the other light. ARGH. Well he ended up doing what I would have done anyways, but didn't charge me.
Thats what I'm talking about. Thats the world I want to live in.
So immediately I call the court house to find out where I have to go in order to prove I fixed the light so I don't have to pay.
Operator: "If you fixed the light, you'll still have to pay."
Confused Derek: "Well the officer said that if I fix it, this is just a warning ticket and I won't have to pay if I have someone look at it."
Operator: "Well he's wrong"
More Confused Derek: "He's wrong?"
Operator: "It'll be $96.50."
Confident Derek: "Actually the ticket says $80.50"
Operator: "Well its wrong"
Jaded Amused Derek: "Haha. Riiiiight. So the economy has everyone in a bind."
Operator: "Excuse me sir?"
Retarded Robot Derek: "So what happens if I prove I fixed it?"
Operator: "If you bring it to a police department, if they have time they will sign off on the ticket that you have replaced the light, if you did replace the light and you will receive a discount...the ticket will be $76."
Certain Derek: "So I get a $4 price break."
Bitch Operator: "No. $20 break actually, from $96 to $76."
Derek: "Oh Riiiight."
Operator: "But the police department might charge you a fee for signing off on the ticket, so you might not be saving much."
Derek: "Haha. You got me. Yeah. Allright Byyyyeeeeeeeee."
- - -
Now I'm sitting here contemplating whether to even bother going to the police department and just paying the god damn thing online, since thats what they want me to do any fucking way. LAWDEE FUCKING DAW!
It is now the 30th day and I have to pay up.
- - -
I've been very busy but last week I took my car to Pep Boys since they worked on my car a few weeks ago and put a dye in my oil so they could help me a find an oil leak. I brought the car in told them 1.) I was following up on the oil leak and 2.) I had a tail light that was out. I then explained I checked the bulb and the fuse and thats not the problem. They said "Sound good. We'll take a look. Would like to take advantage of our -Buy 3 tires get 1 free deal-"...
I thought: Actually my tires need to be changed, i'm starting to see some tread on the front 2 tires, if I get the 4th one free I really am only paying for 1 more tire. "Why not, sounds good."
This was at 10:00 AM.
Around 9:00 PM I call them asking them "Where the hell is my car?" They told me that I need to take the car to a certified diesel mechanic to fix the oil leak, and the tail light doesn't look like its the bulb or the fuse so I'll have to take it to a certified electrical service mechanic...BUT We put all 4 new tires on. YIPPEE!!
So I took the car home and parked it. The next day I took the day off to find out for myself why the light wasn't working. I mean how hard could it be.
Wow. Pretty insanely difficult.
I followed the cable from the trunk to the backseat to the front seat up through the dash then under the hood...ripping the car apart in the process. After 2-3 hours I gave up on finding a problem with the cable and decided, well if my left tail light works, then I could probably just run a wire from that light to the other one and it should work. Well it was time for me to head out and I knew it would take me at least another hour to accomplish so it went on the list with the wind shield wipes I removed and have yet to put back in in over 3 months.
- - -
So now on the 30th day I drove from shop to shop explaining my problem until finally I found a Mobile Service Center who said they would fix it. Yes. I felt accomplished, whatever it costs its probably cheaper than the $80 ticket.
They look at it. Ask me lots of questions about how the veggie cars work and how much I pay for the oil and yadda yadda. Then I hear one of them say it could probably take all day to find a wiring diagram for a 1982 Benz and who knows where the wiring issue is. I walk to the back of my car and I realize one of them has grabbed some of the wire I had ready to link the lights together and is hiding it along the back of the trunk to the other light. ARGH. Well he ended up doing what I would have done anyways, but didn't charge me.
Thats what I'm talking about. Thats the world I want to live in.
So immediately I call the court house to find out where I have to go in order to prove I fixed the light so I don't have to pay.
Operator: "If you fixed the light, you'll still have to pay."
Confused Derek: "Well the officer said that if I fix it, this is just a warning ticket and I won't have to pay if I have someone look at it."
Operator: "Well he's wrong"
More Confused Derek: "He's wrong?"
Operator: "It'll be $96.50."
Confident Derek: "Actually the ticket says $80.50"
Operator: "Well its wrong"
Jaded Amused Derek: "Haha. Riiiiight. So the economy has everyone in a bind."
Operator: "Excuse me sir?"
Retarded Robot Derek: "So what happens if I prove I fixed it?"
Operator: "If you bring it to a police department, if they have time they will sign off on the ticket that you have replaced the light, if you did replace the light and you will receive a discount...the ticket will be $76."
Certain Derek: "So I get a $4 price break."
Bitch Operator: "No. $20 break actually, from $96 to $76."
Derek: "Oh Riiiight."
Operator: "But the police department might charge you a fee for signing off on the ticket, so you might not be saving much."
Derek: "Haha. You got me. Yeah. Allright Byyyyeeeeeeeee."
- - -
Now I'm sitting here contemplating whether to even bother going to the police department and just paying the god damn thing online, since thats what they want me to do any fucking way. LAWDEE FUCKING DAW!
I know at times I have sought truth as a life-propelling purpose; an underlying theme for a practical way of living. But I feel in order to really speak truthfully about my purpose or passion I have to come to terms with the meaning of the word, at least for myself.
TRUTH: a verified fact, conformity to reality or actuality...
Those are generalized descriptions given in the dictionary.
But overtime I have had long detailed discussions about the truth that have led me to see a new definition. Usually these discussions end with someone flattening the validity of the argument by pointing out "no one really knows the truth, anyways." I think that when people speak of truth this way they are using it in the "verified fact" sort of way.
Then again when we all feel this inner need to stop wasting, stop eating crap and/or start living "better," we are using the term as a conformity to reality; a sort of return to the nature of life itself. Now...knowing myself I would never belittle this form of truth, it is a major driving force in my life currently. But...
I feel the most important form of truth for real happiness is another truth entirely...and this is what I wanted to explore in this blog entry.
- - - - - - - -
Everytime I have a conversation with someone I am observing them; I am listening to the words they are saying, I am assuming the circumstances that led up to those words, the choice to speak them and I am reading something else entirely, something in their face, in their body language and in their tone that tells me whether they believe what they are saying or not. You could say I am trying to detect whether they are lying or not. Essentially that is what I am doing...but I don't really care that much if they are lying, and that completely depends on what the severity of the subject matter is. But I think I am always trying to decide how I should feel about this information. If they are saying it with a tone of "sarcasm" I ask myself whether or not I think that sarcasm is appropriate, and whether or not I agree with them. This opinion is not only contingent on what they are saying, but also how they present it to me.
From personal discovery and some late night insightful conversations (after some drinks) I have found an obvious split between what we feel and what we say. As much as we'd like to say we're honest or as much as we'd like to say we have open minds there is always this sort of duality. You might be thinking, duh, there are a lot of times when I don't say what I am thinking but its more than that. There starts to exist this whole other person that you say is the "real you" to the world, and then there is the real person that you know you are. And when you realize that and then really, and I mean REALLY express those emotions or thoughts it is extremely liberating.
I have been taking an acting class with a friend of mine, Marco DiGeorge. He is a great person, who has come to be a part of my life as a friend, a fellow artist and now with the business. I strongly recommend you take an acting class, it is a very expansive experience artistically and personally. If you are in Orlando I recommend you take his class (www.truthfulacting.com)
Anyways...
In this class we explore ourselves and each other. Overall it is for the purposes of losing the fear that comes along with being up on stage, or being in front of the camera; basically the fear of being vulnerable. But by doing that we break down walls that we put up in our personal lives as well. You start to lose the fear you have of being vulnerable in life in general. This fear of being vulnerable is what leads to this sort of split between what you think and what you do in the first place.
I have become very aware...almost obsessed with improving myself. (granted, I feel like I should be more physically active, the creaks in the bones remind me of that.) But for the most part I study myself and try to undo what the world has done to me, no... society has done...nope...
I try to undo what I have done to myself.
This gradual journey of seeking the truth...in between work, dinner and other entertainment has led me to have less stress, less fear, and overall a happier life.
So I would like to add all of that to the definition of "truth."
Maybe someone could help me word that...eh?
Could it be...or is it just me?
Being so busy lately I have found it very increasingly hard to find time to work on my own personal stuff. Therefore I have been searching for a blog template that I actually liked.
However, this search turned out to take more time than expected. After many layouts I have found this one. Evidens (White) I think its perfect for me. It gives me a background to express some type of seasonal-mood-inspiring-image and also has a layout I feel comfortable with.
Thank you BloggerStyles.com
I don't know if this happens to anyone else but sometimes in the morning as I wake up I will have this sort of waking dream that I need to do something important than I do it, then as I really wake up I have to try and remember whether or not I did it. Its a very bizarre thing. Because it feels so real. The worst part is I think it doesn't just happen when I dream. I feel like its possible to happen to me all the time. Its not like I'm more prone to doing that while I'm waking up.
Anytime I feel like I really need to do something...I'll tell myself I need to do that. Then I don't apply the sense of urgency or motivation to it so that it happens. Its almost as if just by thinking about it I'm moving on my way towards doing it and therefore I am happy with the progress I have made and I go back to what I am doing.
The best way for me to overcome this is by creating lists...but then the minute i put one of the things off I feel that its permitted to put the rest of the things off as well. The only way to remedy my procrastination is to do what it is that I'm thinking immediately...as soon as I get the idea I need to do it. Today was a really good day. Everything on my list was completed. That never happens. But today I stuck it through and cleared it. It feels really empowering. Almost like I can do anything.
Anytime I feel like I really need to do something...I'll tell myself I need to do that. Then I don't apply the sense of urgency or motivation to it so that it happens. Its almost as if just by thinking about it I'm moving on my way towards doing it and therefore I am happy with the progress I have made and I go back to what I am doing.
The best way for me to overcome this is by creating lists...but then the minute i put one of the things off I feel that its permitted to put the rest of the things off as well. The only way to remedy my procrastination is to do what it is that I'm thinking immediately...as soon as I get the idea I need to do it. Today was a really good day. Everything on my list was completed. That never happens. But today I stuck it through and cleared it. It feels really empowering. Almost like I can do anything.
I can't exactly explain it without using a mixture of english words:
It is a feeling that my feet and my mind can take me where I need to go. Not only take me there but take care of me. I don't know if this is just me, or if this is what every human being feels inside. Almost like how the birds know they will eventually fly and the beavers know they will eventually build a dam. I know that I will move forward, with my hands and my head and my feet, moving forward through the days towards what I find needs to be explored in order to understand more about the world I live in.
Its usually obscure beautiful images of nature that cause me to feel this. Waking up on the couch and staring through the skylight and seeing the pine tree limbs that hang above my house and just endlessly sway in the wind.
Keep in mind the words of George Mallory, known for attempting the first ascent of Everest;
http://artofmanliness.com/2008/12/11/every-man-needs-adventure/
It is a feeling that my feet and my mind can take me where I need to go. Not only take me there but take care of me. I don't know if this is just me, or if this is what every human being feels inside. Almost like how the birds know they will eventually fly and the beavers know they will eventually build a dam. I know that I will move forward, with my hands and my head and my feet, moving forward through the days towards what I find needs to be explored in order to understand more about the world I live in.
Its usually obscure beautiful images of nature that cause me to feel this. Waking up on the couch and staring through the skylight and seeing the pine tree limbs that hang above my house and just endlessly sway in the wind.
Keep in mind the words of George Mallory, known for attempting the first ascent of Everest;
What we get from this adventure is just sheer joy. And joy is, after all, the end of life. We do not live to eat and make money. We eat and make money to be able to live. That is what life means and what life is for.”
http://artofmanliness.com/2008/12/11/every-man-needs-adventure/
Vanessa is trying to sell her car. This is part of our new spend, use, waste less new way of life. Recently she had gotten pulled over and written a ticket for having an expired tag. In order to renew her tags we needed to go to the Clerk of Court. I hate going to government entities or lowel level corporate places because the people that work there, 85% of the time are really afraid, incompetent, shallow, and unhelpful game-players.
Well anyways, one of these people told us that we could not renew the registration which we had come there to pay. Becuase apparently there are 2 toll violations on her vehicle totalling $350. And in order to sell the car it needs to have a updated registration, ,and in order to renew the registration we needed to pay $350 for toll violations we never received because they were mailed to her grandmother's house, where her grandmother probably discarded the citations thinking it was a mistake, because...she doesn't even drive. no car. no license. no drive.
I want to be able to call the Clerk of Court up and say that previous paragraph and have them say...I'm sorry, sometimes with computer systems things can get screwed. here. The citation would have been $25 each if you had received like you were supposed to so you owe $50 does that sound better?
That way they're still doing their jobs, I'm not out a crucial living-wage amount of money and the government gets their allowance. But thats not what is going to happen...
Because she doesn't know any better this woman is going to say "I'm sorry." and then I'll say "Well this sucks," this person will probably reach into the back of their head and pull some saying their parents have been telling them for such a long time: "well life sucks."
I will sigh at humanity. Then give in, because I have to and pay $350 of my hard earned money that I without being self-employed would set me back and cause me to possibly use next month's wages to go to Amscot and get the money to pay it off which will set me back next month, which will cause me to work extra hours, which will cause me to be cautious, which will cause me to speed to work in order to be there on time so I don't get fired...which causes me to get a speeding ticket that does it again.
I think forgiveness is important. And I forgive the person at the counter because if they knew what was really going on they would be more helpful and that's ok, its not their fault.
That's mean, how can I label all those people like that. That sounds crude but what I'm talking about is the sort of people who don't want to work at their job, don't really want to help you find the answer to your question, and would rather find a road block so you could give up and leave them alone.
Well anyways, one of these people told us that we could not renew the registration which we had come there to pay. Becuase apparently there are 2 toll violations on her vehicle totalling $350. And in order to sell the car it needs to have a updated registration, ,and in order to renew the registration we needed to pay $350 for toll violations we never received because they were mailed to her grandmother's house, where her grandmother probably discarded the citations thinking it was a mistake, because...she doesn't even drive. no car. no license. no drive.
I want to be able to call the Clerk of Court up and say that previous paragraph and have them say...I'm sorry, sometimes with computer systems things can get screwed. here. The citation would have been $25 each if you had received like you were supposed to so you owe $50 does that sound better?
That way they're still doing their jobs, I'm not out a crucial living-wage amount of money and the government gets their allowance. But thats not what is going to happen...
Because she doesn't know any better this woman is going to say "I'm sorry." and then I'll say "Well this sucks," this person will probably reach into the back of their head and pull some saying their parents have been telling them for such a long time: "well life sucks."
I will sigh at humanity. Then give in, because I have to and pay $350 of my hard earned money that I without being self-employed would set me back and cause me to possibly use next month's wages to go to Amscot and get the money to pay it off which will set me back next month, which will cause me to work extra hours, which will cause me to be cautious, which will cause me to speed to work in order to be there on time so I don't get fired...which causes me to get a speeding ticket that does it again.
I think forgiveness is important. And I forgive the person at the counter because if they knew what was really going on they would be more helpful and that's ok, its not their fault.
Today I realized that in order to fulfill my goals of writing in my blog everyday I would have to expand the subject matter to not just "alternative living," because well I think about and spend time researching many ideas and it would be a shame not to use that same time to write in the blog and add to the blog-o-sphere which is a new word I've found. its perfect. I think i've said blog-o-sphere before but in other words.
So from now on Derek, write on, research on, include everything, just keep moving forward.
So from now on Derek, write on, research on, include everything, just keep moving forward.
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